As much as I try to exude joy, I do know that life is not all sunshine and roses and washi tape. I know that life can be tough. I’ve been there. Who hasn’t? This thing called life, it’s not for wimps, is it?
I’ve dealt with: a congenital physical disability, being fired, being short on rent (and having money worries in general), totaling my car, serious family discord, mental health disorders, and loneliness. (Mr. Right, where the heck ARE you?)
But the toughest thing of all is losing someone or something that you love. The toughest thing of all is grief.
After my mom died, I read a bunch of self-help books to help process my grief. I got three valuable takeaways from those authors:
Writing journals provide a safe space where we can express ourselves openly and honestly, without fear of judgment. They give us a place to say those things that we would struggle to put into words or have difficulty saying out loud. But even if we know how helpful journaling can be, it can be difficult to put pen to page while we’re grieving.
Some people just aren’t writers at heart, at any time. And for some--whether they’re normally comfortable writing or not--unstructured free writing can be overwhelming during grief. As Kathleen Adams points out in her paper on managing grief through journal writing, an unstructured “flow of thoughts and feelings ... parallels the process of catastrophic grief, which is in itself oceanic, endless and formless.”
But as I’ve said before, and will keep right on saying: there are no rules in journaling. Your journal can be whatever you want it to be--and whatever you NEED it to be. If you’re thinking about keeping a personal journal as you work through grief, the tips below may help.
Grief comes in waves and it’s unpredictable. Choose a blank notebook that you know you will be comfortable writing in (e.g., choose a spiral bound journal if you prefer to fold your journal in half while writing). Portability may be something to consider as well: it can be helpful to carry your journal with you so that you can jot down things when you need to. A cover with a reassuring quote or image, such as SohoSpark's Tree Journal, may provide emotional comfort when you pull your journal out.
Forget perfectionism. Don’t worry about punctuation. If you miss a day (or ten days), it doesn’t matter. No one says a blank notebook is for writing only> If you want to paste pictures or create art in your journal, you go right ahead. Your journal is YOUR tool--make it work for YOU.
A blank notebook allows you a safe space to talk about your sadness and to start envisioning what your life will look like after loss. Right now, I’m going through anticipatory grief about my elderly dog. (Other pet guardians will understand. Losing a pet is comparable to losing a close family member or friend.) I spend a lot of time thinking: “I don’t know how I’m going to live without him.” I wonder what it will be like to walk one dog instead of two. I wonder if my other dog will be lonely. I wonder if I will remember how soft and silky his fur is. My personal diary gives me a place to work through all this, and a place to record those things I’m worried about forgetting.
It’s common for memory to be affected by grief. The list-making and tracking aspects of the Bullet Journal® system can be quite helpful. But, bullet journaling is somewhat structured and can be difficult to understand. If you’re deep in the grieving process, it’s not a good time to start. Instead, just make lists and carry your notebook with you.
We all get writer’s block at the best of times. When you’re swimming in grief, it can be hard to know where to start. An online search will give you lots of ideas for writing prompts, including things like:
In a wonderful piece, Dana Schwartz explains how she wrote letters to her mother in her journal. Letter-writing is a way to keep communication going and to say the things that you wished you had said.
You can use a blank notebook for all kinds of things. If you're not a writer, you can use your blank notebook as a scrapbook, making art inside your journal, and making bulleted lists.
Journaling is not for everyone. Although widely used as a tool to work through grief, journaling does occasionally make things worse. Sometimes people get stuck brooding over their pain in their journals. If this is you, that’s okay. We’re all unique and how we experience grief is very personal. If there’s a better tool for you out there, take it. Life is tough. Grief is tough. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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You already know this: being kind to others makes you happy. And, actually, it's a proven fact that kindness makes you feel happy and feeling happy makes you kinder.
Tracking kindness is a terrific way to keep kindness on our radar and incorporate more of it into our lives. Just as a gratitude makes us more attuned to the things that we’re grateful for, a kindness journal or tracker makes us more aware of those moments of grace. And, especially if we have a goal of recording one (or more) acts of kindness daily, we’ll be more apt to take action.
C'mon. Do it. Who would turn down happiness?